PsychDr2B
Forum Elite
Topics: 35
Posts: 197
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Mr.S. went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my care for two years," said the doctor. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Mr.S.
Six months later the doctor met Mr.S. on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"At a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for only ten dollars."
"Really, How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him
into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up
to dry."
Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building. After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist. Finally, after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his colleague: "Dr. Smith," he says. "Every day I step into this elevator in the evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me, tell me please how to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of your patients." "My dear Dr. Jones," replied the older man. "Who listens?"
A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test. After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating. The psychatrist stops the test and excliams, "You appear to have a preoccupation with sex." And the patient replies, "You're the one showing the dirty pictures
Patient: "I can't decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out."
Psychiatrist: "You have difficulty making decisions."
Psychotics think 2+2 = 5. Neurotics know its 4, but they worry about it.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out" Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
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| Swaroop
Forum Junior
Topics: 11
Posts: 37
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rofl
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