bbb
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praying4a99 wrote:
bbb, interesting, but what about the children? Will they follow your beliefs or your husbands? Or you choose not to make a big deal out of it?
Either fortunately or unfortunately, I don't have to make that decision. At my age, children aren't going to happen. Since I actually have religious beliefs and my husband doesn't - which is a decision that we are both comfortable with - I would say that my beliefs would have prevailed, but any child would have known why the father feels the way that he does. I have been curious if we would have had children, if he would have reverted to the religion that he was raised. It's a mute point.
I am comfortable with my beliefs, but not when persons try to change my beliefs or belittle them.
papio wrote:
And when the question finally popped, and he still wouldn't leave his family, but sure I could leave mine, I JUST ENDED IT. To his big surprise.
It doesn't mean that you didn't love him, or you didn't love him enough. It could simply be that he didn't love you enough - after all, he wasn't willing to change.
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| papio
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I agree with that one, bbb.
Now, my friends-women- are teasing me about going to the States, I'll probably end up marry someone very different, outside the culture, the race-I know, that is not politically correct- even the religion, yada, yada, yada...
I couldn't care less.
I am happy, free and ready to live life to its fullest. That will be alone or with someone, it will depend.
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
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Dear bbb, What did you do different [if any] the second time around? Has it made any difference, considering that you're still going strong? [You don't have to answer if you don't want to.]
Thanks.
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| toolazy2study
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royall99, I really feel for you but to be honest I think you made a very smart decision in your life. But I also to say no one should judge if it was good or bad for you except you bcoz only you know your or own needs & wants as well your own priorities.
N' I should say, you sould be so proud of yourself to figure out things before marriage took place. Some wouldn't have the guts to call it off, I know it'd be so hard for me. I hope you find the right person...life never ceases to amaze me how things turnaround.
papio, you'll always have people who'll judge you n' you'll have ppl who support you. N' no one can claim to know whehter you really love another person or not...that's just stupidity...I'm glad u told those ppl off....only you know what you feel & another thing, it's only you who looks out for yourself...even the people you love you the most & are known to want the best for you can sometimes be mistaken for what's best for you....
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| Royaldoc99
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Thanks. I am surprised to see so many people support my decision....It felt aweful making it...but yeah I am happy now. Thank you all for supporting me. Its really hard to see all the facts straight when we are in emotions.Papio....yeah people tell me that all the time ....that I didnt love him enough....etc. but as bbb put it right above... " It could simply mean that he didnt love you enough....after all he was not willing to change". This is so true. If he loved me then he could have thought of coming to the US with me but he flat out refused. He cannot leave his family too. So, its both sides. Oh well....Life goes on.
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| papio
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Royaldoc99,
I am sure you made the right decision, because you listened to your brain, and you are the only person who knows what is the best for you...
Early in the relation, we always see what is not going to work. Still we decide to pursue it. In my case, I had asked whether he would be willing to leave his mother-I mean that is the biblical concept, you will leave mother and father for your wife-, and he said yes.
Now I may have been dumb to believe him, but at least I wasn't blind.
About your chances to get marry in the States, you already have a strong familial network, people who know you, your family. Believe me, it counts.
In the US I will be on my own, I have a few estranged family members, whom I don't know. That is going to be hard. But -I may not believe in this right now, thoughit is true- life has a way to surprise us when we expect it the least. So keep a good positive attitude, and everything will turn out OK for you.
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| P4a99
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toolazy2study wrote:
it's only you who looks out for yourself...even the people you love you the most & are known to want the best for you can sometimes be mistaken for what's best for you....
Too bad I I learned that the hard way too late.
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| Royaldoc99
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 My mom just received a pathetic fone call from one of her old friends ...they wanted to introduce me to their son who is supposedly a doctor in the US...and guess what ....my mom told them that I am preping for USMLEs....her freind then said "oh, well in that case nevermind then!" What the hell is this attitude of marrying doctors about???? I just can never seem to figure that out. Why cant people focus on getting to know the person instead of judging them by their profession??? Someone above asked if they wanted to marry a doc or not.....well these people who called my mother werent even interested in figuring out the advantages or disadvantages of marrying a doc!!! Ughhhh....this world is so ugly. I am glad I am free. Life is going on.
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| papio
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Just have a good laugh ...
there are things out there you will never get. Don't give it another thought, enjoy and have fun. Don't try to understand why people do this or that...It is a waste of your precious time, life is so short!
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| antidepressant
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thanks myeloma.
i couldnt help smiling reading papios and royaldocs post, i had similar situations, before i got married, people were always curious, when i will take usmle, i was doing mph then, as if i was done with steps, they would be willing to marry right way, I wondered God, do they want a money machine or what. and papio is right about connections, it becomes a problem. many time before knowing enough, i would be scared and drop. but sometime it happens, some people dont know how to talk. or they talk too much, and care less to listen other. its true also, you will not find too many of your kind, that you will like. Papio, if you keep this thing in back of your mind, that this is one of your priorities, you will hopefully can do it by yourself.
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| P4a99
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Female docs, do you prefer marrying a doc?
Male docs, do you think marrying a female doc is a good idea?
Is there anyone here with such experience?
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| toolazy2study
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p499, believe me I learnt it the hard way too...I didn't realize my mom was meddling in my marriage too much until it was just about too late. After all, who wants the best for you but your own mom. My mom wanted me to divorce my husband but I'm so happy that THE most smartest decision I made was not to. I'm a very "bhola" girl but to make that move on my side suprises me esp. since I'm such "yesman" to my parents.
Also, I'm a female doc married to a male doc n' I've found this out: if you're female it's smart to marry someone established whether he's doc or no doc. I'm not part of the group but I don't regret it bcoz I love my husband n' so the struggle for the both of us doesn't mean anything in fact it just deepens our love for one another. But we've had to keep having kids on hold bcoz of this.
Many say it's easier for a female doc if she marries a doc as well because he'll be more understanding about the way of life & struggle for his wife which is true bcoz he's in the same profession.
I've also seen numerous male docs these days marrying nondocs. They're reasoning is that no one will end up being home for the kids & family life gets messed up, which I can support also.
As for female docs who've married nondocs I noticed their husbands tend to make more room for their wives. They're more receptive to taking care of the family. I've found they're family setup is excellent as well.
Ultimately it all depends on the individual couples whichever way you go. If you have an understanding between the spouses it goes a long way whether you're married to a doc or nondoc.
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| papio
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Thank you Arlete, bbb, toolazy, Royaldoc who I just met, AD
You really understood me guys-along with mom and dad who support my decisions 100%, whatever the outcome...
All my friends are about compromise, acceptance...
And Royaldoc, try to see things from another angle, maybe some female doc broke your mom's friend's son and now they have a ban on doc, or maybe a female doc stole a hubby in the family
and AD, the part about the money machine, I couldn't say it better.
Sometimes, I would meet a "nice" person and right away they want to know if I am a citizen-mean american citizen. Since I' m not, things wouldn't go nowhere.
Now I laugh at it, life does changes us people.
And P4, I will marry the right person, not his profession, not his family, not his race...
Thank God it's Friday!
Have fun guys!
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| toolazy2study
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hi paheli, i'm just wondering if you're wary over the misfortunes of your friends' divorces because you're worried it may happen to you or is it that you're having trouble letting go of the ideology of everlasting love & marriage...?
if you're worried, well, there's a risk w/ everything, will you get residency? what will happen if you get in accident? what will happen if you give birth to a needy baby? what happens if your greencard gets canceled? what if the plane you're on gets hijacked? do you kind of see what I'm getting at? Worrying won't get you anywhere except give you mental stress & make you age quickly & pls take it from a worrier who worries all the time...
no marriage is stamped with a "worry free guarantee" no matter what precaution you take & what move you make to prevent yourself from getting into a problem-free marriage...if you try to look for it you'll end up failing in your search...someone else said on this thread, each n every marriage you have to work at...this advice I think should be also given to p499 too  who is I think is contemplating all the different ways of a hassle-free marriage...hehe...(let me know if i'm wrong p499....)
n' if you're grieving over the concept, well then I think all of us have gone through the process in one way or another. It's a part of growing up. It's like as you grow up you think your parents are the best. Then you become a teen and you think they don't know anything! Then there's a realization that your parents are human & have their own flaws but you still love them. You end up grieving over the concept of perfect parents but you end up growing up & getting over it bcoz it's just a part of life...
it doesn't mean there's anything wrong w/ you or the way you think...we've all gone through this...just in different ways
Edited by toolazy2study on 04/18/08 - 07:25 PM
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
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toolazy2study wrote:hi paheli, i'm just wondering if you're wary over the misfortunes of your friends' divorces because you're worried it may happen to you or is it that you're having trouble letting go of the ideology of everlasting love & marriage...? if you're worried, well, there's a risk w/ everything, will you get residency? what will happen if you get in accident? what will happen if you give birth to a needy baby? what happens if your greencard gets canceled? what if the plane you're on gets hijacked? do you kind of see what I'm getting at? Worrying won't get you anywhere except give you mental stress & make you age quickly & pls take it from a worrier who worries all the time... no marriage is stamped with a "worry free guarantee" no matter what precaution you take & what move you make to prevent yourself from getting into a problem-free marriage...if you try to look for it you'll end up failing in your search...someone else said on this thread, each n every marriage you have to work at...this advice I think should be also given to p499 too who is I think is contemplating all the different ways of a hassle-free marriage...hehe...(let me know if i'm wrong p499....) n' if you're grieving over the concept, well then I think all of us have gone through the process in one way or another. It's a part of growing up. It's like as you grow up you think your parents are the best. Then you become a teen and you think they don't know anything! Then there's a realization that your parents are human & have their own flaws but you still love them. You end up grieving over the concept of perfect parents but you end up growing up & getting over it bcoz it's just a part of life... it doesn't mean there's anything wrong w/ you or the way you think...we've all gone through this...just in different ways
Thanks, toolazy.
My thoughts are not based solely on my friends' separation. It had a role to play though. But, hearing the news about them consolidated what I had experienced in my own ex-relationship. I'm not comfortable talking about it, but I was in a not-so-happy-happy relationship. I don't still know when it actually changed it's form and shape from what it was [and I don't care to find out]. It's hard for me talk about it, but I'm over it now. Though I'll never forget the lessons I learnt the truly hard way. That you cannot expect anyone to respect you as though they ought to. Letting go of that person was the best thing I ever did, coz I'm rediscovering myself now. I'm a hundred times more positive in my outlook toward life, I possess a thousand times more self-belief than I ever did. I tackle every adversity in a completely different angle now than the 'Old' me did. And, what gives me most pride is that I did not let my heart break. It has made me a lot more cautious about my personal life, perhaps that will never change, perhaps it may sometime in the future. But, right now, I'm revelling in my being single. I'm not in a hurry to settle, and finally my family has come around to the change in me. It has released all my energies to be directed toward achieving my career goals. Yeah, due to these exams, I don't get to go out and meet folks and socialize much, but these exams are gonna end soon. I look forward to picking up my social life eventually. I know I'll be happy for sure, and I'll find someone too. It just won't be so easy for that someone to convince me that he is right for me. But, if he is really right for me, he won't mind trying a little harder. I hope.
I realize that what you said is as true and wise as it gets. And, where I'm at is not contradictory to what you said. But, I must take away some lessons from that experience, or else it will repeat itself till I do learn it well. And, if it's only made me wiser and more cautious, then I'll consider myself lucky. I've seen people [high school classmates when we were older etc] whose spirits broke when relationships did not work out. And, I'd always advice them when consoling them, 'Move on, Get over it', and the least I can do is take my own advice.
I don't know what the hell is coming over me. Am writing too much on this thread. Sorry, folks.
Edited by paheli on 04/18/08 - 11:10 PM
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Prepare as if you're the worst, Perform as if you're the best! As you dream, so you manifest. So, DREAM BIG!! When you face hardship, remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.
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| bioguy
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is it only women talking here? do you mind if a guy puts in a few words?
i am an athiest. my wife is pious.
my mother tongue is Telugu (a south indian language) my wife speaks hindi (main indian language). i can speak broken hindi. so we converse in hindi and english.
we belong to different castes.
i am a hardcore carnivore, my wife is a strict vegetarian.
i am a perfectionist, she is an approximist
I am a cynical pessimist, she is a die hard optimist
i love violent and horror movies and hate mushy love movies. she cannot bear violence, and she gets so scared of horror movies. but she drags me to her favorite love movies.
i am a biologist. she is an engineer.
i am lazy. she is very hardworking.
we fight a lot on several things - over TV channels, over where to place the couch in the living room, over having or not having the home theater speakers with all the dangling wires running all around the living room (i am an audiophile), over how she drives the car so clumsily, over how I drive the car so rash, how she forgets where she put her purse and cell phone, and on and on....
but at the end of the day, i cannot live without her and of course she cannot without me.
Edited by bioguy on 04/18/08 - 11:51 PM
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| bioguy
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Royaldoc, I wholeheartedly support what you did! no doubt about it.
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| bioguy
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paheli, you are brave. just trust your heart.
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| bioguy
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Friends, this world is not all that bad. I am surprised I am saying this, me being such a pessimist. But deep inside, I believe that one will find true love. Just keep your heart open. But add some maturity to it and that will avoid heartbreaks. Thats all I have to say on this sensitive topic.
Love to all.
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
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bioguy, Thanks for your support.
___________________
Prepare as if you're the worst, Perform as if you're the best! As you dream, so you manifest. So, DREAM BIG!! When you face hardship, remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.
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| Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
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Thanks bioguy.....Yeah you are right. I hope we all find love. LOVE MISSION......
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| bbb
IM Program Coordinator
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papio wrote:
I agree with that one, bbb.
Now, my friends-women- are teasing me about going to the States, I'll probably end up marry someone very different, outside the culture, the race-I know, that is not politically correct- even the religion, yada, yada, yada...
I couldn't care less.
I am happy, free and ready to live life to its fullest. That will be alone or with someone, it will depend.
Amen to that one sister!!! Welcome to my internal medicine residency program and match making service. Best of luck!
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bbb - trying to combine common sense and humour into realistic answers, but not going to guess on anyone's chances of getting into a position....
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| bbb
IM Program Coordinator
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paheli wrote:
Dear bbb, What did you do different [if any] the second time around? Has it made any difference, considering that you're still going strong? [You don't have to answer if you don't want to.]
Thanks.
What did I do different? I married someone that I actually had things in common with, not just going to the same school and knowing lots of the same people. I also too the time to get to know Bachelor #2 - with #1, he was working several hundred miles away and then overseas - when we got married, we had only actually lived in the same town for a couple of months.
Bachelor #2 and I have lots of the same interests - and I believe that being 10 years older, we are a lot more tolerant of each other. After all, he doesn't mind me hanging out here instead of housework.
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bbb - trying to combine common sense and humour into realistic answers, but not going to guess on anyone's chances of getting into a position....
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