Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
Topics: 13
Posts: 139
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yeah...nayimalay....didnt you find another love in those 13 years? If you feel that you were unhappy in those 13 years then you did the right thing by shifting to the west becoz there is no sense in suffering. In either case at least one of you had to give up or start a new career...In my case neither of us are willing to do that. Careers are so precious...we spend half our lives to get to where we are in our careers. We cant just throw that away. People who can do it....hats off to them!!
bbb.....i feel very sad for you. Good Luck with your present relationship. I hope you find peace and happiness.
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| arlete
Lucky woman!
Topics: 49
Posts: 3,464
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paheli:
I come from a broken family. I never believed in love or marriage. I never thought I would make the decisions I've made because of love (for the family, not only husband). And I never thought somebody would love me the way my husband does. Not because I don't deserve it, but because people are too selfish to love that much. Life brings us nice surprises, sometimes.
Untill I was 19, I was sure I would never get married. Then I fell in love and started contemplating the idea. Then he broke my heart. Then I met some people with very good marriages and started wanting some of that for me, if eventually I fell in love again. Then I found a long lost high school heartthrobe. I got married in 2 years, to start the best 10 years of my life. Believe me, at 25, the bar was pretty raised, and he still convinced me it was worth trying it!
So we never know. Hearts change, situations change, we change, they change...
I am extremelly (and I mean extremelly) passionate about being a doctor. There's nothing I am better at. But priorities change too. If I have to choose between being a doctor and raising my kids in this country, right now, I'll choose to stay and find another career. Believe me, that's not the same Arlete you would have met 15 years ago...  And maybe the glass will be half full for the rest of my life, but we need to set our priorities straight, always.
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| Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
Topics: 13
Posts: 139
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Arlete.....I dont understand...So are you saying that I should have married him and stayed back in India for the rest of my life? Feeling guilty here again....I dont know if i will ever get over this. Yeah I guess at this point of life my priorities are my studies and my career. I guess having a family and kids will change my priorities for me . I dont know...most people say that having kids really changes their priorities. But at this point if I give up my career I wont have bread to feed my kids when I have them in future. I dont know. Its just that its so hard to forget love like that but I am happy that I got my career back. It felt miserable losing my career even as we started planning the wedding but then I walked out and that was the hardest decision I have made in my entire life....so painful....Even today I cant get him out of my head. May be USMLE focus will keep me going.
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| myeloma
Forum Junior
Topics: 3
Posts: 78
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Royaldoc the important thing is what U feel right now. If u feel u couldnt have survived without persuing ur career in USA then there is no doubt u did the right thing.i guess what arlete s trying to say is that situations change and when they change ur opinions a nd priorities change too.That doesnt mean u made the wrong decision by chosing ur career over love it just means that thr will b a time when u will b able to look beyond this .May b when u have achieved something as a career lady u would b able to compromise a bit for love..or who knows mayb ur partner will.
just wanted to tell u that ur a strong person .u made a big sacrifice for ur career.now dont regret it.
cheers
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| myeloma
Forum Junior
Topics: 3
Posts: 78
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Didn't quite get u NNL??Did any1 else?
new_n_lost wrote:
Wait for it cos you people are going to cause a storm over this one. But Believe me when i say this every guy you know and you dont know Even the closest to you will go for it in a heartbeat.
Oh Hell yeah Ergo I go for a Harem
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| RX 135
Forum Guru
Topics: 40
Posts: 773
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he says he liked the idea
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99/96/cs/ 2008grad/ 1mo usce/ need visa/
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| RX 135
Forum Guru
Topics: 40
Posts: 773
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harem..
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99/96/cs/ 2008grad/ 1mo usce/ need visa/
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| Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
Topics: 13
Posts: 139
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Thanks myeloma....you really said the right words. Many times I sit all day when the emotions go bad..just thinking that what I did was very bad. But I just couldnt marry him. Yeah it does feel alright now. It feels great studying for the USMLE and going back home to the US. Everything feels alright but when I think of love I feel I shouldnt even be expecting it because I dont deserve it because of what I did. I then just ask God to forgive me and try to move on. I think of him as the love that was not meant for me.....The love that was unreachable for me. So, thats how I view it. But I am really happy now that I am free in my career ...instead of that suffocating tradiational careerlesss Indian joint family life that he wanted me to live. I cherish my freedom. My parents have been very helpful and supportive to me. My dad said the exact same words to me. I just have to keep going with life now. May be there is someone for me or may be there isnt but I do have my life and career...I will have the life that I want. Thanks for considering me a strong person. After I had typed up that post , I thought people would come bash me for throwing away love. Thanks for understanding me. You all are so sweet.
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| arlete
Lucky woman!
Topics: 49
Posts: 3,464
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myeloma got it so right!!!! What is the right decision for a person may not be for another or even for herself, if it were to be done a few years down the road.
I admire you, royaldoc99, for your courage in deciding what's best for you and hope you know yourself good enough to recognize the path that is the right for you at this moment in your life. I know the social pressure when we make decisions. I was raised by a feminist and even though she does not say it in respect for my feelings, she thinks I am wasting my talent being a housewife. I don't. And it's MY opinion that goes with me to bed, when I rest MY head on the pillow, so that's what it counts. Same for you.
Just so you know, when I decided to move to USA, I had been a doctor for 8 years already, my marriage was 3 years old and I had a 2 year-old boy. Totally different situation. I would probably have made the same choice you did, in your place. If I remember right how I was at that period of my life.
NNL:
No comments! 
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| bbb
IM Program Coordinator
Topics: 33
Posts: 5,222
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Royaldoc99 wrote:bbb.....i feel very sad for you.
Sad for me? Don't be. I am where I am in life's journey because of what happened to me in the past. It's a way of growing. I have happiness and peace. I have what I need right now.
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bbb - trying to combine common sense and humour into realistic answers, but not going to guess on anyone's chances of getting into a position....
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| GOGETA
Trying to get in PGY1
Topics: 381
Posts: 3,068
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What about if you get in residency in one state and she has j1 in another state. Will that marriage work or go into divorce?
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| P4a99
Moderator
Topics: 50
Posts: 2,500
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I have been a little busy ... here are my replies, in order of appearance:
Arlete, as usual your words are lovely but I must say that there is one point that you made that I disagree with "I would rather not be a mother than mothering the child of the wrong person and having a connection with him for at least 18 years." ... no matter how terrible the father turns out to be ... that shouldn't cause you to have a burden on the child ... here comes the role of what I call maternal dedication (I hope I did not misunderstand you)
Thank you for your detailed and prompt response.
Misrati "it doesn't mean that you need to have deeper relationship with her "you know what I mean, don’t you? " ,b/c you know you won't know every thing till you get marry and get together under one roof!" I agree, and yes I do know what you mean
toolazytostudy "But one things that make a marriage work out is communication. Lay out everything you need before you "seal the deal" w/ ure future hubby/wiffey (?) & don't expect that whatever plans you've made before marriage will not change. In fact it may be that you who changes your priorities after marriage. Nothing is written in stone. People change with what life hits you with." ... well said. Very thoughtful indeed.
RX 135 ... Now that is one unexpected response. Original! First let me know how it works out for you 
Royaldoc99 and nyimalay ... I feel your hurt. It must be very complicated and painful for you. I hope there is something better out there waiting for both of you. Regardless, from the west or the east!
Myeloma ... All I can say is that marriage at 20 is not a good idea cuz you still don’t know %100 who you are and what you are all about. According to Beha. Sc. that is (still searching for identity)
On the other hand it is a good idea to marry early cuz it gives you a piece of mind on everything that has to do with subject and fulfils your physiological needs. Of course we cannot forget financial support. So marriage at this age (20) is almost impossible unless you are born to a millionaire, which I am not.
I'll save my opinions on the other points till last.
Vanshita ... I’m glad you enjoyed.
Paheli, love is nice and feels good. But marriage is really not only about love. We do not live in a fairytale nor in a Hollywood movie. Marriage is about a sacred relationship between two hearts and two souls where each partner fulfills the needs and fills in the gaps of the other. Dedication, support, faithfulness, honesty, ... and THEN love will surely come along. As someone already mentioned, you will never know each other well until you get married. So what is all that love before you know the guy really well all about?! no wonder so many of these marriages end up in a not so good fashion. There will be a lot of misunderstandings, fights, and arguments, but if the two maintain the dedication, support and communication ... you will live a peaceful life, with great experiences and enjoyment that you would never experience if you chose to continue your life solely. As Arlete said, she wouldn't replace that for anything.
bbb, interesting, but what about the children? Will they follow your beliefs or your husbands? Or you choose not to make a big deal out of it?
NNL, sorry did not get you either.
Edited by praying4a99 on 04/16/08 - 04:40 PM
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Congratulations Paheli! --- Congratulations Feyza! ..... Good Luck drnaik-faraym-Gogeta-Bioguy-arlete
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| arlete
Lucky woman!
Topics: 49
Posts: 3,464
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Dear praying:
What I meant was I would rather ignore the biological clock ticking (and the desire to be a mother) and end up in my 50's with not being pregnant ever than getting any male to father a baby for me and being forced to swallow him for 18 years because the child needs a father, after all. But my son/daughter would never be a burden, my love as a mother is not conditional to who their father is. Maybe I would have adopted and raised a child by myself if Mr. Right hadn't come my way.
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| myeloma
Forum Junior
Topics: 3
Posts: 78
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P499: please read my post again..the age bracket for marriage i mentioned was 25 to 27 dint say anythning about 20.
p.s i cant wait to read paheli's reply to ur post though im itching to comment on it myself but ...i know she'll do a better job than me
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| P4a99
Moderator
Topics: 50
Posts: 2,500
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Yes, I know what you said.
I was just sharing My-point-of-view based on my age group.
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Congratulations Paheli! --- Congratulations Feyza! ..... Good Luck drnaik-faraym-Gogeta-Bioguy-arlete
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| P4a99
Moderator
Topics: 50
Posts: 2,500
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arlete wrote:Dear praying: What I meant was I would rather ignore the biological clock ticking (and the desire to be a mother) and end up in my 50's with not being pregnant ever than getting any male to father a baby for me and being forced to swallow him* for 18 years because the child needs a father, after all. But my son/daughter would never be a burden, my love as a mother is not conditional to who their father is. Maybe I would have adopted and raised a child by myself if Mr. Right hadn't come my way.
I feel much better now.
* refers to the father not the poor child
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Congratulations Paheli! --- Congratulations Feyza! ..... Good Luck drnaik-faraym-Gogeta-Bioguy-arlete
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| arlete
Lucky woman!
Topics: 49
Posts: 3,464
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As well I would never resent my children for MY choice of not being a doctor anymore (if, God forbid it, I ever have to make it!).
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| antidepressant
Forum Guru
Topics: 37
Posts: 1,297
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hmm, for many docs in our country , its accepted a little late age than other profession, even though for girl in our country 27 consider the marginal, but for doctors, i have seen even 32. for guys, above 35 is late( i would say), but i see many guys older than that getting married there too,
its better to be honest with your own wishes, i think royaldoc, since you were not married, you made right decision, because if you would have married and regreted later, that would have been very hard.
i agree with arlete in that decision, if once you have kid, its hard to give up that marriage for that reason, even if the guy is bad, it almost always happen in east, its sad. did you guys read in behavioral science, child suffer parents divorce, but growing up in a hostile/unhealthy situation is even worse.
women always change their habits, to cope into the new family they adopt, unless u are raised in westernized nations. i got married to someone from different country, similar culture, same religion, he doesnt understand my language, i do his. i liked arletes comments, even if you go for the easiest, its always different, as two persons are different, and you are grown up, you cant change much. But, try to find similarities, not profession, i think profession of partner is least important. divorce is high in usa, thats not good. is it curse of freedom? i feel sad, just recently i heard a friend of mine getting divorce. wish you all happy, married life! find the right person, try to compromise, you have to compromise when you get married, you know that , right?
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| P4a99
Moderator
Topics: 50
Posts: 2,500
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Nice one antidepressant.
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Congratulations Paheli! --- Congratulations Feyza! ..... Good Luck drnaik-faraym-Gogeta-Bioguy-arlete
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
Topics: 197
Posts: 2,712
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p4a99, what have you created!! This thread has become so large so quickly! Just shows how our priorities here lie. Start a talk about love, or even lust!!, and everyone writes, coz no one is doing!! Lol!!
Guys, I'm just amazed at everyone's maturity here.
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Prepare as if you're the worst, Perform as if you're the best! As you dream, so you manifest. So, DREAM BIG!! When you face hardship, remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows. Internship, Here I come!!
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