praying4a99
MS-III
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What are your thoughts on marriage? Is it better to get married at an early age or at an older age? When do you think it is best to get married 20-25-30-35-40-87? As long as physicians and physicians-to-be are concerned, do you thing it better to get married: during college-during school- before,during, or after residency- not until you secure a job- buy house?
There is another issue that I still didn't make my mind upon; do you think it’s a good or bad Idea to marry someone from the medical field?
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| praying4a99
MS-III
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What about marrying from another country and region? Good-idea? Bad-idea?
I have a hot question if you don't mind: What about marrying someone from a different school of belief than yours?
I know that is forbidden in some cases in some religions, but how do you see it? Would you consider marrying some from another religion?
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| arlete
Intern in 2009!!!!!
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Oh, my... Nobody has the right answers for these questions, but here is what I believe:
1 - Delay untill you find who you think is the right person for you. I would rather not be a mother than mothering the child of the wrong person and having a connection with him for at least 18 years.
2 - After 25. It's statistical, the younger, the greater the chance it won't work.
3 - During or after residency - but before, if it's the right person and you just can't wait to be together.
4 - The job doesn't matter, as long as the other essential issues are similar. Marrying somebody in the field has advantages, someone in another has advantages, too.
5 - Another country, region... doesn't matter either.
6 - Different school of belief? Prepare yourself for big trouble, specially when raising the kids. They need absolute answers when they are small, not conflicting ones. Love may suffer and even not endure when the big differences come up.
7 - I can't see myself falling in love with somebody that is very different from me (and religion is a big part of myself), so: probably not. But I don't think it's wrong and I admire couples who overcome differences. I went for the easiest, most comfortable, most predictable "so-much-in-common + love" kind of marriage. Married life is already complicated enough in this simplest situation.
But there's no magical formula. A good marriage is most of all a blessing, because we never really really know the person before we get married. Sometimes we don't even know ourselves... Specially when too young.
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| Misrati
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Well ...here is my opinion
not toooo early , nor too late ! for me im planning to get marry before starting my residency tho "inshallah".
well,it depends on the other partner her or himself ,I mean it doesn't have to be within a specific filed ! since you find the one who you think he or she's the right partner for you , just start and go ahead .you know never know who's gonna be better for you either a doctor , a lawyer or...whatever
2dly : try not to rush your self , know each other very well for a while first ..it doesn't mean that you need to have deeper relationship with her "you know what I mean ,don't you ? " ,b/c you know you won't know every thing till you get marry and get together under one roof !
the answer 4 your hot question is : well it depends on many factors ,religion is the biggest one tho .. like im a muslim guy ,I prefer a muslim woman ,however Islam allows men to get marry with even christian or jew women ,nonetheless the opposite is not true for muslimah " Muslim women are not allowed to get marry with any,but a muslim guy "
for me as an example : I don't care a lot ,if I didn't find a perfect Muslim woman , sure im gonna look for even Christian or jewish one ...as I said, as long as I find the one who can see eye-to-eye together and ready to put hands together and share our future and life both together , I will definitely go with .
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| arlete
Intern in 2009!!!!!
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Misrati:
You made me curious. How does it work if you marry a Christian or a Jew girl? Is she required to adopt your religion? Will your kids necessarily be Muslims? What if you have a daughter that wants to marry a Christian or a Jew? Any religious laws about that?
It's only curiosity, to improve my general culture. If by any chance you don't want to answer, it's OK. 
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| toolazy2study
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Arlete...
In Islam a muslim male is allowed to marry a female who is "of the book." This means he's allowed to marry a Christian or Jew because in Islam we believe in the Bible & Torah. We believe those books were sent down by the One & Only God, that all of us believe in. We just don't follow the Bible & Torah because we believe it's been changed by the hand of man (I hope I'm not offending anyone...I just want to have everyone understand what Islam is because there are so many misconceptions). In fact, you must believe in these books to be muslim.
Anyways, it's been tradition that children of a family always follow the father's religion & so the reason it's okay for a man to marry a woman of a different religion. Also, she doesn't have to convert either.
But vice versa, a female muslim isn't allowed to marry anyone but a muslim because of the reason above. The children will be of father's religion.
Did I get anything wrong brothers n' sisters? Room for adjustment....
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| toolazy2study
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Arlete, I admire your search for knowledge. With the chaos in the world, all of us should make an effort to understand one another. It saddens me when we use differences in culture, religion, power as a reason to fight one another...we are all human with strengths & weaknesses. No one should consider him or herself above another.
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| toolazy2study
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P499, as a married woman I'd like to advice you that each & every marriage is different & unique. Some marriages benefit when the spouses are of different careers & others benefit if they're the same. It really depends on the two individuals. I've seen both ways work out. But one things that make a marriage work out is communication. Lay out everything you need before you "seal the deal" w/ ure future hubby/wiffey (?) & don't expect that whatever plans you've made before marriage will not change. In fact it may be that you who changes your priorities after marriage. Nothing is written in stone. People change with what life hits you with.
As for the correct age...again all depends upon you. Some are ready at an early age & some aren't. I've actually seen some real successful marriages where the girls were married as early as 18. N' mashallah, they're marriages are so successful.
For spouses of different religions or regions...again, honestly it depends on the both of you. How commited you n' "your to-be" are with each other. I would say it is riskier, just like if you marry early. But the "riskier" the marriage I would say requires more work, more commitment, more compromise, more communication...but I would never say it can't be successful! But one thing is, there can't be effort from only one of you, it has to be from both...
so if you're wondering about the "risks" remember some can deal with it & others can't...depends only on you & your to-be...
I hope I helped a little bit...
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| arlete
Intern in 2009!!!!!
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Dear toolazy:
Thanks for enlightening me... Maybe after step 3, I'll try and find a nonbiased book about other religions (I am a catholic). I agree with you. Respect and tolerance, sometimes even a bit of curiosity and empathy would lead us to a better world. After all, our basic needs are the same, including the religion.
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| RX 135
Forum Elite
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 heterozygosity is imp to have stronger offsprings so marry from diff race, religion, language, proffession,interest, talents ...it is one of the causes for extinction of other species causes there is no more migration because of artificial boutaries made by man..  
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| Royaldoc99
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Uh.....about love from a different region....here is my story....I am actually a US Born and Raised Indian who came to India only to get my medical degree and guess what.....I fell in love with this wonderful guy-an orthopedic surgeon in India....For two years things were just perfect...Even our families knew each other.....But then the questions came about marriage....Yes, we could not be without each other....BUT I wanted to go back to the USA and live there with him while he wanted me to stay here in India in a JOINT family with his parents like a traditional Indian bahu. Thats when I began to feel without oxygen. I saw my career in the US seeping away and that I might have to even live in India ( under a somewhat controlling life ) for the rest of my life! On top of that he was not willing to take the USMLEs or make any efforts to settle in the USA with me because he simply did not want that. Now I am a person of love but in this case love could not stand the test of the real world!!!!! I told him that I would marry him three times because I loved him but I just did not feel happy marrying him because marrying him meant losing my career and life in the USA that I worked so hard for. So, in the end I just walked away from the marriage and didnt marry him. I hate what I did but now I have my career and life in the USA back in my hands. I know I lost love but I dont think I can give up this career I have worked so hard on. So, now his family hates me and doesnt talk to our family and we are living separate lives. I have just acccepted this as my fate. So, if any of you are going to another country to get a medical degree and especially if you are a female ....DO NOT MARRY THERE. If you do marry there you will have one foot in that country and the other foot in the USA....plus the careers will be in different countries too ....so one of you will end up being jobless if you dont want to do anything else....and above all it might lead to a painful breakup as in my case.
Everything is fine as long as you have a good understanding between each other. Just try to stay in one country and dont make rigid rules and dont expect your spouse to follow them. Just respect and understand each others feelings and desires.
As for age, I dont know....I am praying that I do find love again....when I get back to the US in a few weeks. I just hope 30 yrs is not late. Well even if it is I cant do anything about it. I have a couple of more guys that my family is going to introduce me to when I get back home. I just look at this way... You get to live only one life....so stop worrying about age....and marry only when you feel 100% right about the marriage. (It shouldnt involve any painful compromises like your career, or spending your life in a desert if you have lived in snow your entire life etc). Thats my experience.
Also, what are the odds of finding someone in residency? Are most people there married?? Any intake on this?
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| myeloma
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In my opinion
Age of marriage: for both guys and grls 25 to 27 is the best time...by that time mostly ppl are done with their studies and starting to settle financialy(except docs) but i think that is the deal age to get married.if ur a doc then its better to start residency before geting married.
Doc or nondoc: as some one said both have their advanage and disadvantages but whats important is that both the partners should understand and respect each other. if thats the case than marrying a nondoc would b bettter in my eyes(personal experience...my sis and brother n law are both doctor..doing residency and their children suffer the most as neither of them have energy to give quality time to them)
Marrying in another country/region: its not easy to cope with the cultural change but its not impossible either.For me i would rather marry among my own kind
Btw P4u...wont u like to give ur views on the subject too??since u are the ne who started the thread?
Marrying someone with different religion:thats an absolute NO for me.religion is a big part of someones personality...it shapes u, makes u the kind of person u are and yes when kids are involved it will b more difficult.
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| new_n_lost
Politically InCorrect
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Wait for it cos you people are going to cause a storm over this one. But Believe me when i say this every guy you know and you dont know Even the closest to you will go for it in a heartbeat.
Oh Hell yeah Ergo I go for a Harem
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| arlete
Intern in 2009!!!!!
Topics: 24
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Royaldoc99:
Your story is so sad...  But I am glad although you were in love you could see clearly what your priorities are. When somebody makes a big sacrifice to stay with another person, that may be a burden to the relationship and eventually ruin everything.
About people being married in the residency... Well, not all of them... It may get to a point when you'll think the best ones are already taken, but that will be untrue. I think the older you get, the higher the bar, the checklist grows longer and not many people are acceptable. Still, most people end up finding the love of their lives, thanks God!
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| vanshita
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hey this interesting thank you guys for your wonderful advice
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| Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
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Yeah arlete....thats true...I used to be a girl who was willing to do anything for love but when it came time to test it....I failed miserably! Love is a LUXURY. Career, house, food and clothes are BASIC REQUIREMENTS of life. Today when I look at love, I feel that I dont deserve it because of what I did. But then human nature always wants love. May be I wont get that luxury ever again but at least I will be alive in my career which he wanted me to give up for him.
I hope I do find love in residency though. People become unacceptable in residency?? I hope not. I am just enjoying my career which I am equally passionate about. I hope I find a man who wont take away my career from me.
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
Topics: 150
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Guys, is it possible to feel contradictorily about this? I for one, am extremely cynical about finding love. Yet, I know that I will find it one day, soon hopefully. This doesn't make sense to me, coz I feel both ways equally truly, at varying times though. But, one thing's for sure: experiences do shape you and your beliefs. And that confuses me even more, coz I KNOW I will find the right man for myself, in spite of the crappy blokes I've known so far.
Am I making any sense at all? Anyone? Arlete?
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| nyimalay
Forum Elite
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Hey Royaldoc,
My story is quite opposite to you.
I am from east. My hushand is my high-school lover who left for collage (not medical) in the west.
I don't want to live in west so i wasn't able to decide to marry him.
13 years went by.
I finally followed my heart and moved out to join him.
Had to restart my career (still studying for usmle), leaving behind parents and friends.
Will love be a strength to overcome years of living in a place that I still couldn't enjoy ???
I m still finding the answer.
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| angel^Doctor
Forum Elite
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nyimalay , never knew that you're a femle !
i hope yes
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| bbb
IM Program Coordinator
Topics: 32
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Royaldoc99 wrote:
Also, what are the odds of finding someone in residency? Are most people there married?? Any intake on this?
As a program coordinator, I have seen my share of marriages and divorces in residency. I know of a Latino women who married an American of Indian descent - it works beautifully for them. I know of an American guy who married a Chinese American girl - again, works for them.
I also know many relationships in residency that don't work - the physical attraction (and we all know what that means) ended and both persons in residency were miserable........
It all depends......
Me? Married the first time at 25 (not young) to a guy from high school. Married the second time at 35 to a guy I met in a singles ad. 13 years married next month to a guy with a different religion? How does it work? We respect each other's beliefs and don't force the issues.
Every marriage is hard. Everyone of them.
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bbb - trying to combine common sense and humour into realistic answers, but not going to guess on anyone's chances of getting into a position....
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| Royaldoc99
Forum Senior
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yeah...nayimalay....didnt you find another love in those 13 years? If you feel that you were unhappy in those 13 years then you did the right thing by shifting to the west becoz there is no sense in suffering. In either case at least one of you had to give up or start a new career...In my case neither of us are willing to do that. Careers are so precious...we spend half our lives to get to where we are in our careers. We cant just throw that away. People who can do it....hats off to them!!
bbb.....i feel very sad for you. Good Luck with your present relationship. I hope you find peace and happiness.
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| arlete
Intern in 2009!!!!!
Topics: 24
Posts: 1,787
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paheli:
I come from a broken family. I never believed in love or marriage. I never thought I would make the decisions I've made because of love (for the family, not only husband). And I never thought somebody would love me the way my husband does. Not because I don't deserve it, but because people are too selfish to love that much. Life brings us nice surprises, sometimes.
Untill I was 19, I was sure I would never get married. Then I fell in love and started contemplating the idea. Then he broke my heart. Then I met some people with very good marriages and started wanting some of that for me, if eventually I fell in love again. Then I found a long lost high school heartthrobe. I got married in 2 years, to start the best 10 years of my life. Believe me, at 25, the bar was pretty raised, and he still convinced me it was worth trying it!
So we never know. Hearts change, situations change, we change, they change...
I am extremelly (and I mean extremelly) passionate about being a doctor. There's nothing I am better at. But priorities change too. If I have to choose between being a doctor and raising my kids in this country, right now, I'll choose to stay and find another career. Believe me, that's not the same Arlete you would have met 15 years ago... And maybe the glass will be half full for the rest of my life, but we need to set our priorities straight, always.
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| Royaldoc99
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Arlete.....I dont understand...So are you saying that I should have married him and stayed back in India for the rest of my life? Feeling guilty here again....I dont know if i will ever get over this. Yeah I guess at this point of life my priorities are my studies and my career. I guess having a family and kids will change my priorities for me . I dont know...most people say that having kids really changes their priorities. But at this point if I give up my career I wont have bread to feed my kids when I have them in future. I dont know. Its just that its so hard to forget love like that but I am happy that I got my career back. It felt miserable losing my career even as we started planning the wedding but then I walked out and that was the hardest decision I have made in my entire life....so painful....Even today I cant get him out of my head. May be USMLE focus will keep me going.
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| myeloma
Forum Junior
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Royaldoc the important thing is what U feel right now. If u feel u couldnt have survived without persuing ur career in USA then there is no doubt u did the right thing.i guess what arlete s trying to say is that situations change and when they change ur opinions a nd priorities change too.That doesnt mean u made the wrong decision by chosing ur career over love it just means that thr will b a time when u will b able to look beyond this .May b when u have achieved something as a career lady u would b able to compromise a bit for love..or who knows mayb ur partner will.
just wanted to tell u that ur a strong person .u made a big sacrifice for ur career.now dont regret it.
cheers
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| myeloma
Forum Junior
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Didn't quite get u NNL??Did any1 else?
new_n_lost wrote:
Wait for it cos you people are going to cause a storm over this one. But Believe me when i say this every guy you know and you dont know Even the closest to you will go for it in a heartbeat.
Oh Hell yeah Ergo I go for a Harem
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