kronossk
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 21
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yesterday was one of the most troubling and sickening days of my life. not one program called me back. this morning i have been up since 4 am cali time and still no luck... and i did the stupidest thing ever and applied in ERAS for good programs instead of the crappy ones first. exhausted my quota. ERAS misbehaved so many times for me, and maybe that's my fault but i was stressed trying to get everything keyed in and apply. by the time i had succesfully got it to work and applied to my 45 programs it was already 1.5 hours into the scramble! what a disaster... a complete travesty. for someone who needed this so bad how could i screw it up so bad.
my magic fax program that worked so well on numerous test runs decided to give me all kinds of trouble when it counted... and emailing my app (painstakingly put together in a PDF) was a fiasco because no one wanted to look at it!! no one wanted to read the email... wtf like fax is any easier!! i am slowing starting to come out of shock and trying to fast forward through the stages of grief to just ACCEPTING that i will not be a resident this summer. my parents were devastated, and it didnt help that i talked up my chances to snag at the very least a surg prelim spot. now even prelim programs are too good to take my calls. wow... how far can i fall... i think with the current trajectory i will be in jail by the end of the week
i've never felt so low in my life... and for the past four years all i have done is hustle and struggle through med school with so many peaks and valleys. but this is the worst... and now I know that this year is going to be soooo tough to get through ... and have to fight depression and the anger and the self-doubt. but the doubt just wells up and overwhelms me and i cant keep running from it and pushing onward like this...
no job, no money, debt up the wazoo, a very highly educated bum living with his parents. i hope i can get back into a clinical research job and work my way back...
i asked god for so much, then asked him for less and less every year, thinking that i did something so bad in a past life in order to pay penance like this... i thought i was over when i finally graduated... now i see the real struggle is just starting... nowadays i ask god for almost nothing and he withholds even that... i just wish i knew what lesson i need to learn and understand to make Him happy and to let me get on with life instead of this constant uncertainty and failure ... nothing makes sense
Edited by new_n_lost on 03/19/08 - 04:12 PM. Reason: All bold so changed it.
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| paheli
It'sAllAboutGoodKarma
Topics: 177
Posts: 2,389
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Hi. I hope you're feeling better after letting all that out. It's good to get it out. Anyone can have faith when the going is good. It is only the truly tough ones who can hang on when the going gets tough.....and tougher. It's precisely now that you must keep the faith, and get through this. You obviously believe in karma, as I do too. Just because what you desire is not now does NOT mean that it will NEVER be!
Be strong! You are NOT alone.
___________________
Prepare as if you're the worst, Perform as if you're the best! As you dream, so you manifest. So, DREAM BIG!! When you face hardship, remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.
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| Anamgarcia
Forum Senior
Topics: 8
Posts: 212
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kronos...
I feel exactly the same thing except that after medical school I have been struggling for 5 more years.... so it is actually 10 of keeping the faith and still nothing....
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| B12
Forum Newbie
Topics: 3
Posts: 41
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you are definitely not alone. my best friend, for the second time did not match. we have been scrambling none stop with no success. he is a good guy and to see this happen to him for the second time is difficult... to see a grown man cry is difficult. just know, you are not alone. peace be with you.
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| whiterabbit
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Chin up man.......I know how you are feeling.........People have been thro similar hell as you are and still are......Remember you are not alone.....thats what this forum is for........Keep your chin up and chest spread wide...oneday this willl be just a memory..........
Try for some clinical research posts.....look in the midwest and east side of US..Dont try NY..there are a lot of poeple there who take advantage of desperado's like us. There are still paid research posts available.
Google out progs which do research....go to pubmed get the email address of authors......if you cant get them try and look for e mail addresses of people in the same institutions.....reverse engineer the e mail addresses and mail all the people in US doing research.......it will take a long time
I sent out 700 e mails....of which I got 2 responses
One was a sarcastic reply from a guy who said "I am not in the market for research coordinators"
Another e mail was a positive reply.
So Chin up, eat your carrots.....and go and Kick ass man.
WR
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| imad
Forum Newbie
Topics: 3
Posts: 29
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you are not alone dude..you are definitely NOT alone..
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| new_n_lost
Politically InCorrect
Topics: 653
Posts: 6,086
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I do resonate with a lot of what you wrote esp the part abt a highly educated person living/dependent on parents.
Going thru the same but have to give our best and then seriously hope that the GUY upstairs has a heart and is looking out for us so this misery has a good ending.
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FORUM RULES-- Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck --P4U World.." The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
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| lilac
Forum Junior
Topics: 11
Posts: 47
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kronos,
i'm going through the same thing as you are. scramble is a special kind of hell on earth. what's worse for me is that i had no help and was literally scrambling between calling, trying to email, checking out the list, and crying in between. i was so tired and spent by the end of the day when I realized it was already 6pm and i was still trying to call up programs!!! (that's why nobody's picking up, DUH?!)
i had received no calls and am beginning to think i won't. i know that we have to stay positive and tell our hearts to stay tougher and not to break and bleed so much. right now though, i think it's ok to cry, to grieve, to feel the pain because we have all worked very hard and have gone so far.
let me share with you what i have been telling myself these last couple of hours that it has become my mantra:
Defeat is victory in disguise
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide
--Longfellow
God has a plan for all of us and I know how difficult it is to see how all this could be good for us now, but He has a sense of humor and you'll never know what He may surprise us with.
Be strong. You'll pull through this. We all will.
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| jole
Forum Elite
Topics: 10
Posts: 264
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Oh this is making me so sad.I do wish u all the best guys/gals.Do take heart.
___________________
Never underestimate the power of prayer.
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| mytime
Kick my butt!
Topics: 39
Posts: 3,173
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Yo Right there with you buddy. Though I got a call from a Hawaii for what I couldn't use. PGY2. 
But this year we'll fight it, so start preparing from rt. now. And keep looking into Cl. Research we don't want u in prison.
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| mukho
Forum Elite
Topics: 6
Posts: 519
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have been scambling last 2 days for a friend with no positive outcome...and I dont know what to say to her or anyone else, but so much effort should not end in nothing...its really not fair
but she is already planning for post match preparations...residency swap, contacting programs where u interviewed (especially where it went well) after a few weeks maintaining touch and hinting for observerships, writing to everyone and anyone u know... from residents to PD....i don't know what will work but as my teacher in school time used to say---if u study there is no guarantee that u will pass but if u don't then there is 100% chances that u will fail---so hang in there and keep trying
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| hecmd23
Forum Newbie
Topics: 1
Posts: 146
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I have been in that exact position last year. I didn't get interviews, and I'm an IMG with average scores and in need of a visa, but i remained hopeful that I'll get something in the scramble. But I was devastated the first day...and I have never felt so defeated in my entire life. But you know what, I sucked it up.
It takes a lot to continue the fight, but it takes a lot more to admit defeat. I gave up scrambling after the first day. And I started the journey in beefing up my CV. Amidst my planning on what to do next, a week after the scramble, I got an invite to interview for a prelim position. It was a spark of hope for me, i thought this will be the happy ending to my story. Unfortunately, although they just interviewed 2 applicants (one was me), they offered the position to the other applicant. Another blow to my ego, but I picked up myself and started moving forward.
I sent thousands of emails for research positions (I previosuly finished 6 months observership, thats why i wanted to try doing research). After a month of waiting for replies, I got an offer for a volunteer research position near where I live, and it's a university program. I worked my ass off for the next 6 months, without pay, sometimes I have to be infront of the computer for 6-7 hours reviewing patient's data, skipping lunch at times to save money, and I have to withstand the biting cold of chicago during the morning commute because i don't have a car going to work. But it worked out fine, we will be publishing later this year, I got 2 lors from american attendings, and I got 6 invites for this year.
Monday, March 17 arrived, and I got the best news I've been waiting for. I matched. Tomorrow, I'll find out where, and there's a possibility that my girlfriend and I (also an IMG) will be working together because we have some interviews together in a few programs. She also matched despite going unmatched last year.
Now, I look back, to that day I felt so defeated after the scramble, the day I felt the world seemed to crumble on me. And now I smile - it can be done. No matter how defeated you may feel, the things you do for the next days/weeks/months will determine where you will be next year.
The scramble can really drain all hope that you have, but like what I always say, you can't jump up until you've hit the bottom of whatever it is you've fallen into - and maybe, that's when things start to pay off. You have to be at the end of all hope to be able to make one last grab at it - maybe it means so much to you, that you finally succeed.
That's what happened to me. Thats what I did. And this is where I am right now. It can be done.
___________________
"I'm still the best there is at what i do best" -James Howlett
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| faraym
Forum Addict
Topics: 23
Posts: 793
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Ok my turn,
I hate this world, my attorney, and all the programs who sent me rejections
...and the one who did an unexpected phone interview
I am putting my FAX machine for sale on ebay.....GENTLY used ONLY to send test messages...
will be back after a crying session
for all the above people in the same boat, you are not alone hang in there...
By the way who got the IM and Fm positions which vanished right before our eyes
___________________
"Bindu ki maa, Jab Jab jo jo hona hai ,tab tab so so hota hai." from Padosan.90/85/pass
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| Novak75
Forum Senior
Topics: 3
Posts: 395
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Hi everyone, I feel your frustration and sadness in the posts, and also some hope in other posts, I logged off after reading the thread feelling down and sad, thinking of what I would feel if I was in the same position next year (I haven't done any steps), so I logged off and checked my e-mail, and found an joel osteen message that just seemed right to post here, here it is hope you like it:
"God is constantly planting seeds of hope and victory in your life. He’s constantly trying to deposit His faith on the inside of you. Often times, when we’re anxious and worried, it’s difficult to hear His voice of hope and confidence. But when we stop and quiet ourselves, when we find rest in Him, we will recognize His voice of hope. You’ll hear Him saying to your heart, “Your best days are still in front of you, you are more than a conqueror, you’re the head and not the tail.” As you receive His hope, it creates a foundation for faith to rise inside your heart. The Bible says that faith gives substance to things hoped for. In other words, your hope gives your faith something to work toward. If the cares of this world have left you frustrated and empty today, make the decision right now to open your heart and allow the Lord to deposit His hope on the inside of you. It doesn’t matter what you are facing today or what’s happened in your past, God wants to give you hope today. He wants to pour out His blessing in every area of your life so that you will live the abundant life He has for you!"
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leave the old behind—leave behind old behavior, old thinking, old words.
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| faraym
Forum Addict
Topics: 23
Posts: 793
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Thanks novak.
love your signature too!
___________________
"Bindu ki maa, Jab Jab jo jo hona hai ,tab tab so so hota hai." from Padosan.90/85/pass
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| vanshita
Forum Guru
Topics: 23
Posts: 827
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thanks all of you for yor kind word GOOD LUCK everybody
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