zokorro
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 29
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I took the USMLE step 1 for the first time at the end of last summer. I failed with 175.... (hmm i dont remember the other score). It didnt surprise me because i had barely studied for it during the summer. I read the Goljan Pathology book, didnt finish the first aid and only did a few qbank questions. Anyway, after that i went through a very rocky road because things in my life and school werent going well. I began to party everyday, getting drunk (i never drank before this). I got to the point that i would wake up almost everyday at 2 pm, fully clothed in bed, smelling of cigarrettes and alcohol. I was depressed. I felt i couldnt do anything right. My self esteem and self love dropped a lot. I also had economical problems so that didnt help. A few weeks ago i decided that it was enough, that i have to prove myself and overcome this, otherwise i am gonna be stuck in this phase of my life forever. I stopped drinking and partying and began to study for my exam which is gonna be in february. It has been difficult, i lack concentration, i accomplish little everyday. I dont have much support for my studying and i think i have become lazy or something. It has been a struggle and i often become discouraged. I need to pass this exam and pass it good, for my own benefit. I NEED SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE THAT HAVE SIMILAR EXPERIENCES. I have cut myself from friends and i only see my family from time to time. I need help to make my days more productive and to be able to tell someone how i feel.
Right now i have read the First Aid completely. A little pharmacology from kaplan books. I have done a few hundred q bank questions. I am not getting a good score (60%) but i havent really read that much and i have been out of school for a long time. I am reading the Step Up and i have only read 94 pages in three days. So, thats what ive been doing. If someone has any advice, any words of encouragement or wants to help me i would really appreciate it. I am not going through the best times of my life and i feel quite a lot of shame for my incompetency.
THANKS.
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| pinkangel
Forum Elite
Topics: 8
Posts: 272
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Dear zokorro,
You have so much strength in you - can't you see it? Despite all these events in your past, you had the sense to say to yourself enough is enough. You have the determination, the common sense, and the knowledge to know how to get to the goal. Your path is set, you just need enouragement. I know how it feels like to be depressed and lonely. Believe me. I encourage you to read the first entry of my diary - Pinkangel's daily diary for encouragement.
I failed step 1 three times and lost my residency slot in the 2004 Match because of my failure - mainly due to laziness, not studying hard enough, and feelings of depression, no self worth, etc. I'm sure you have felt all those feelings. I am taking this exam again tomorrow morning and I am scared out of my mind. So much pressure to succeed. I have no job, live with my parents who love me but give me daily pressure to study, tell me that I should give up medicine and work in retail - you know, one of those jobs at walmart, dept. store, where you get paid minimum wage. All this after earning an MD degree in 2003. Some days I want to cry and give up. Please don't give up. Because you are not alone.
All I can say is that you are on the right path. There are many caring people on this forum who will encourage you. I have started a daily diary so that I could keep myself accountable to all my fellow medical colleagues as well as myself. I needed support and I got it from so many strangers here. I've also started a January prayer thread on this forum for people taking the exam in January. Some people including myself have posted prayers while others have just wished me luck. However, this is not a thread for myself. You are more than welcome to post a prayer of your own - please believe in God. I went through many rough patches in life - some too embarrassing and shameful for me to post here that only He knows. You know what? God was there all along. He has given you the eyes to see what you need to do to clean up your life. I encourage you to post a prayer for yourself on the January prayer thread. You have all my best wishes. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers my friend. Don't give up, please. You're on the right path. You just need to take the first step that will lead you to the treasure you seek.
Love,
pinkangel
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| zokorro
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 29
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I read your first entry of your diary and was moved by it. I always thought i was the only one that had such struggles. I wish you all the success in your exam tomorrow. Dont be nervous. I really appreciate that you wrote to me, thanks. And dont you ever think on going to retail!! You are a very talented person, passing the exam or not. Dont settle for less.
Yesterday i read about 40 pages of step up, i know it wasnt much but at least it was more than what i was doing the rest of the days. No qbank questions done, my subscription ends today and i dont have money to renew it.  I have had to sell books on ebay to be able to buy groceries and pay for gas. Oh well. Today i plan on reading more pages than yesterday.
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| kaz
Forum Newbie
Topics: 0
Posts: 14
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Hi i just want to say best of luck to you ,& i must appericiate ur determination you'll be in my prayer for 2morrow,God bless you
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| zokorro
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 29
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Thanks for writing kaz.
I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, therefore i have a lot of trouble getting up. Today i got up at 1 in the afternoon. Didnt get much done today. Tomorrow ill get up early and hopefully it will be solved.
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| pinkangel
Forum Elite
Topics: 8
Posts: 272
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Zokorro,
Good to see you posting on the forum. How are your studies today? Even if you get 10 pages read, that is progress. There was a forum member who inspired me to start a diary of my own - his name is namf. He basically said," Put a drop in your bucket every day, drop by drop, and your bucket will start to fill up." I don't want to steal his words so I've put his ideas in quotes. Just put a drop in your USMLE bucket everyday. Whether its 10 pages or 100. You have your own pace. Follow your heart and listen to it.
Best wishes,
pinkangel
P.S. If it will help you to keep you motivated and accountable, starting a diary of your own may help. You will get input from your fellow medical colleagues on this forum as you start writing your daily entries. Just a thought my friend. Do not hesitate to seek help for whatever problems may be hindering you from your studies. When you make the USMLE 1 your priority, then you must do everything possible to clear your mind and make room for that knowledge to take root. You have the knowledge and the insight so I trust that you will make the right decisions to lead you to success. God bless.
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| samuel
Forum Newbie
Topics: 2
Posts: 10
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hi pinkangel,
First of all,how's your exam?Hope you did well...I know God was there with you during the 8hrs. of exam--guided you and support..Because i know you're a good person even we havent met, i just knew it thru your writings and messages to those people who needs help...Its very inspiring and you give every one encouragement, motivation and hope...i read one of your messages to someone and you mention about your mom and i laugh...coz u know what? i am a mom too with 2 kids and its hard to prioritize things.im giving moree time with them than to focus on my study.Its very teary and stressful but i still manage to smile everytime i see my kids are healthy and beautiful..
well,enough for that..Again thanks for the inspiring message.Goodluck to you and to all of us..
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| indiandoc
Forum Senior
Topics: 2
Posts: 95
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hi
im one of the same kind u know wat
im very depressed
im not focused flunked mle for the 2nd time
but its ok
we are doctors people live to our expectations
ok so cheer up and be happy and lets be friends
even i gained lot of wt and i have a habit to run after people evn if i have to incur my own losses
but i know we have to change
lets discuss
ok
im htere always
___________________
PLEASE MESSAGE ME
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| drbilalkhalid
Forum Senior
Topics: 15
Posts: 87
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the boat seemed like a small dingy but now i see its a huge ship.lots of people around who failed  i had 177 last november. chronic lazy person and mega procastinator. mY fiance is in new york. i cant get my mind off her. i havta to do this for her or else........pray people. please.
drbilalkhalid@yahoo.com
___________________
in the name of allah the beneficient the merciful.
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| zokorro
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 29
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It is always good to find people in the same situation as us, drbilalkhalid. My exboyfriend, is living in europe now and although we broke up we still feel a lot for each other. So it is a tough situation.
Lets do something for ourselves, lets beat procrastination and kick lazyiness in the shin. 
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| timtim
Forum Junior
Topics: 14
Posts: 64
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Hi Zokkoro,
When are you planning to take your exam?
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| zokorro
Forum Newbie
Topics: 4
Posts: 29
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I was planning for the end of february but my schedule puts me in march. So i am going to take ti in march.
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